The Rule of Halves

I hate to blow my own trumpet (lies) but I like to consider myself to be something of a theorist. During the course of my extensive 21 years in existence I have accumulated, as I’m sure you can imagine, a wealth of knowledge and life experience. Along the way I have constructed numerous theories. If you know me well you will almost definitely have heard them and if we’re mere acquaintances…well, you’ll probably have heard them too. I’m sure to attempt to engage unfortunate passers by, forge new friendships, break awkward silences, gauge the conversational ability of an individual with the opener, ‘you know, I like to cut my food into halves…’ So the time has finally come for me to hoist these theories into the limelight and reap the rewards that come from spouting absolute tosh in a completely self-assured fashion.

I present to you, dear reader, The Rule of Halves. In order to communicate this theory, let’s look at the common burger.

I have termed that moment, when your burger is carried to you and set down on your table, before you pick it up or set about it with your knife and fork, the Oooooh Phase. You rub your greedy little hands together, your mouth is filling with saliva and your tummy is expectant: “oooooh, that looks delicious!”

Once the burger actually makes contact with your mouth and you begin to chow down, you have progressed into the Mmmmm Phase. It’s all about the enjoyment as you turn, elated, to your dining companions to profess through a mouthful of beef that “mmmmm, this is delicious!”

Once the burger is finished, comes the Aaaaah Phase (this may or may not be tinged with regret, depending on how quickly you ate the burger and how hungry you were to start off with). You’re satisfied, victorious, full, a little bit impressed by how much you’ve managed to eat and may well need to undo your trousers: “aaaaah, that was delicious!”

Now, imagine you cut your burger in half pre-Oooooh Phase. You get an Oooooh, Mmmmm and an Aaaaah – twice. Each dietry high is just the same, you may only be working with halves but the ecstasy is no less – it’s double the fun people. What began as a practical solution to large sandwiches has become a rule I firmly abide by, using it to divide stir fries, pies, pizzas (obviously in this instance I would take 3 of the 6 slices of pizza at a time) and risotto. Go on, do it, get more oooooh, mmmmm and aaaaah for your money and cut your lunch in half.

[If you have any queries regarding the implementation of The Rule of Halves with any meal or snack, please don’t hesitate to ask.]


2 thoughts on “The Rule of Halves

  1. Brogan, I love the way your mind works! I think the ultimate example would have to be a chocolate bar. Have you ever eaten a kit kat without breaking it into two? Or a Terry’s chocolate orange in chunks larger than the pre-determined segments? I think these confetioners are on to something.

  2. Hi Brogan! Firstly, I just want to say i LOVE your theory of Halving; A simply exceptional use of mind over matter (quite litteraly!). My personal favourite would have to be the Kiwifruit. Being able to scrape the edges of a Kiwi TWICE, is what i like to call…the sex!

    If your into the Burgers i’ll say just one thing:

    “A second on the lips, a lifetime on the hips”

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